Coat Off My Back

Let's chalk that one up to a lesson learned. It was too expensive an experience otherwise.

It cost me money; it cost me my pride. It cost the very coat off my back.

A long time ago, like about 15 years ago, I bought a long, black wool dress coat. It was my first “major” purchase after getting my first professional job.  Yes, I bought it on sale, but it was good quality and I have used it every winter since.

Every year I get my coat dry cleaned at the end of the season and hang it in my closet to await the next winter.

Well...

Just over a week ago, I brought it in to a “certain” dry cleaner's in Portage to have my coat undergo its annual cleaning. I picked it up a few days later and hung it in my closet. As all of Canada knows, winter is not going away just because the calendar says it is Spring, so last Sunday, I hauled the coat out again to wear to church.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear but my winter coat with three-quarter length sleeves. I was not impressed. The kids asked if I was going to sue the cleaners. Well, no, but I was going to do something!

Which is exactly what I did yesterday after the kids' swimming lessons. I grabbed my coat and marched into that dry-cleaners ready to hear what the proprietor was going to offer to remedy the situation. I wasn't sure how much of a fuss he was going to put up.

I went in there and explained the situation. The proprietor claimed that this had never happened before in his shop.  "Look, look," he exclaimed, grabbing another coat off the rack.  "This is the same as yours," implying that it had not shrunk.  However, he could see for himself when I put on the coat that I was indeed telling the truth and not just trying to rip him off.

“Well, what would you like?” he asked. Ah, I had not planned on that. I had expected an offer. “Well, I'll need a new coat,” I said. I knew he wasn't about to pay for a new coat. Finally, I came up with a suggestion.

“Oh,” he kind of smirked, “but the the coat is 15 years old.” He grabbed some bills out of the till and shoved them at me. “How about this?” he said, his tone and actions shuffling me out the door. He wasn't eager to have this encounter take any longer than it already had. He had given me considerably less than I had suggested, but there I was shuffling out the door.

Of course, once I was in my vehicle and driving down the road, I started doing the math and realized he had barely given me more than I had paid to have the coat dry-cleaned. I was even more unimpressed. And I was angry – at him and at myself. Him for offering and getting away with so little, and me for accepting that, for not having come into the establishment with a clear expectation of how I wanted the problem solved, for not being assertive enough to at least stick to my original request.

So now there I was with a shrunken coat, barely enough money to pay for the meal I bought for my kids two minutes later, and severely injured pride. This was not the ending I had bargained for. Not that I really bargained – if I had it might have turned out better. I hoped at least there was some lesson in it for me.

I think there is. Number one, I need to have clearer expectations and number two, I need to carry through with my assertiveness. I started out fine but gave in too quickly. But I also think there was a larger lesson in it for me. There are times in life when I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick, or like I'm floundering and moor-less with no one to help, sort of like how I felt standing at the counter in the dry-cleaner's, clutching the measly compensation in my hand. I wonder if that's when I need to take a good look again at my assertiveness in my prayer life. I have access to all the help and grace and wisdom I need; I only have to ask.  Have I?

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may

receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously

to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts

is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord....”

James 1:5-7

So, if there's anyone out there who needs a really good 15-year-old wool coat with short sleeves, I've got one for sale for $500 - OBO! ;)

 

Saturday, Not Spent in Bed

Saturday morning.

I don't want to get out of bed. It's been a long, full week. My emotional energy has been about used up.

I want to stay under my warm covers.

But, no.

I'm off to help my husband's family with an annual, sometimes semi-annual family event. I'm not opposed to family events. This family event is one that I've had about a decade to get used to, one that benefits me and my family for weeks and months following.

I still don't want to get out of bed. Because no matter how many years I've had to get used to it, I still don't enjoy it.

I want to cry on my way over there. Just me and the kids. Husband's off doing something else today and has left me as the family representative at this event. I don't want to do this today. I have about a gazillion other things I'd rather do, even that need to be done. But no, I'll be butchering today instead.

And as I pull up to a stop sign on my way there, I'm zapped with an inconvenient insight: maybe this would be a great time to employ the “opposite action to change emotion” strategy.

This strategy, as its name suggests, is acting opposite to your emotional urge when that emotion either doesn't fit the facts or is not effective in the situation.

Not two days before I had proclaimed to my family that it was through this strategy that I had been able to be somewhat successful in stressful work situations: I could work through my fear by acting calm and peaceful, even when I didn't feel calm and peaceful.

Ah, but how about now? At work, I want to appear calm and competent, even when I don't feel that way. But butchering? I don't like butchering; I don't even want to like butchering; I don't even want to want to like butchering. But I have to do it anyway and showing up like the dark cloud I feel like and complaining my way through the day is not helpful or effective for anyone, including me.

My in-laws would have to report on how successful I was in this situation, but I did try to not verbalize how I felt about trying to disengage some vein from some muscle, or some ligament from some slimy joint. I did periodically remind myself to “relax the scowl from your forehead, lady” and “uncurl your lip, honey.” It is quite remarkable how even slight changes in one's facial expressions can alter one's emotional state.

And by the end of the day, I am thankful. It's hard to be grumpy and thankful at the same time. Yes, I am thankful that the deed is done for another year. But I am also thankful for my overflowing freezer. And I am thankful that my kids have an opportunity to learn about working together for the benefit of the group. And I am thankful that my kids are getting old enough to actually be a help in the process. And, okay, maybe I'm a little bit thankful for the opportunity to practice “opposite action to change emotion” because it demonstrates to me once again that I always have a choice, even in difficult or unappealing situations, to change myself and my attitude for the better.

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life,

to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;

to be made new in the attitude of your minds;

and to put on the new self,

created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:22-24

Lessons Are Going Swimmingly

All my kids have started swimming lessons recently. The boys, who have both taken swimming lessons for several years, figure they're pretty smooth-moving in the water, even doubt the value of swimming lessons at this point, considering their expertise. For my daughter, on the other hand, this is her first experience with swimming lessons. She had been enrolled in swimming lessons last summer but spent those two weeks on the deck of the pool, nursing a broken arm acquired while brushing her teeth.

She has been enthused about her swimming lessons and loves her instructor, but has also been somewhat discomfited because, as she says, everyone else in her group already knows how to swim and she is the only one who doesn't – which actually appears to be true. I do my best to assure her that learning how to swim is the reason for swimming lessons and that each time she goes, she'll get braver and learn more.

I passed on a piece of advice to my daughter from my husband's aunt, who learned to swim at the age of 50. She said that the most important thing for learning to swim was learning to relax: to trust the instructor, and to trust the water to hold you up. My daughter, her arm slightly sore from clinging to the edge of the pool, seemed a little skeptical, but hopeful.

Her condition sounds familiar to me. For this past month, I have had periodic moments where I feel the pressure of my new situation creeping up and lying down on my chest, like a pool's worth of water pressing down on me. And the temptation to panic and thrash about rises; the temptation to give in to worry as a form of action falls within the grasp of my fingers.

But...

I decided at the beginning of this venture that I couldn't afford to give in to temptations like that or, like a drowning person, my fear and worry would not only be my own undoing, but also cause serious problems for those around me. There's that crazy, irrational thought that worrying about something makes me appear to be a better person because it proves “I care.” Which is about as helpful as a drowning person's clawing to climb up on the shoulders of their rescuer. It doesn't help. It not only doesn't help; it harms – thrashing about in the water and worrying both. The trick, oh, the complicated skill of relaxing and trusting your rescuer when you feel overwhelmed.

I guess that's why lessons are so important – they do help you move - and live - more smoothly...and they could save your life. So here's to my lesson in letting go of worry and trusting in my Instructor.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness,

and all these things will be given to you as well.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow....

Matthew 6:27, 33-34

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. How I Wonder if You're “Thar”?

“Hey,” called my eight-year-old son from the back of the van. “Did you know that some stars are so far away that by the time the light reaches you, the stars have already burned up?” He was paraphrasing from the Charlie Brown's Encyclopedia he was reading. I knew which book he was reading because that same boy left that same book in the bathroom the night before and I happened to peruse that same page.

I love those pieces of trivia that boggle the mind, that are so tricky to wrap your mind around.

How is it that I can really physically see something that really physically doesn't exist? And that by the time I could know it doesn't exist, neither would I?

It seems to me that the opposite is also true. That there are “things” that really exist that really can't be seen. Things work out “inexplicably.” Events come together to create a new reality that no one would have expected. Good arises from terrible. Just because the Source cannot be described physically does not mean it doesn't exist, in the same way that just because I can see a star does not mean that it does exist.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for

and certain of what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1