I had just stepped outside on Sunday
afternoon and was gazing up at the sky that was clear for the first
time in eleven days when my oldest son came bounding up behind me. I
could hear his long legs leaping, could feel the joy radiating from
his presence.
“Were you trying to sneak up on me?”
I joked, not sure how so much happiness could be sneaky.
“No,” he responded, spray paint can
in hand. “Do you want to see my latest painting project?”
“Yes, I do,” I said immediately.
Here was my big, 13-year-old boy, still eager to show his mom what he
was up to. My heart swelled. How could I refuse such an invitation?
I followed him to behind the newly deposited wood pile to the open
space on the cement pad that used to be an old barn. Leaning up
against some lumber, he had his snowboard, his most recent canvas.
He had spray painted it black.
“See?” he said, and then went on to
explain his next steps: how he was going to spray it yellow next by
standing far away so it just got little drops of yellow and then move
closer as he sprayed closer to the bottom of the board so that would
look like light from a city dissipating into the night sky and
turning into stars closer to the top of the board and then he would
paint a cityscape at the bottom by hand with grey paint. He had it
all planned out.
And I stood there, admiring his black
snowboard, admiring the creative energy bursting out of him, thankful
to share this moment with him.
Later that evening, after a delicious
supper made by my husband, consumed around a fire on that
surprisingly warm November evening, I listened to my second son
singing at the top of his lungs about being “on top of the world”
while standing at the top of a mostly fallen-down tree. I watched my
daughter take a long stick from the fire, move into the darkness, and
make the glowing embers on the end of the stick dance and swirl along
to her own movements. And I felt filled to overflowing with
unadulterated love, love with no expectations, only gratitude.
Later, I wondered does God ever feel
that way about me? Christians often talk about God's unconditional
love, but I guess I would have to admit that it often seems to me
that the love they talk about is a love SO THAT.... God loves us SO
THAT we can share His love with others, SO THAT we can serve or reach
more people, SO THAT we will be saved from ourselves or destruction,
SO THAT His investment in the relationship won't be wasted. Does God
ever love me simply because He loves me? For my own benefit?
Because He's interested in what I'm doing and wants to be in my life?
Because He thinks I'm a pretty awesome person that He knows? Or are
there ulterior motives to God's love, like invisible strings-attached
love, all the better to make you feel guilty with, my dear?
When I think about the love I have for
my children, I would acknowledge that love is a mixed bag of goods.
I do hope that my love for my children will help them to be better
people, will help them to have a greater capacity to serve others,
will keep them from getting into difficult and destructive
situations, but those are not my motivating factors for loving them;
they are hopefully positive by-products of a loving relationship. I
love them because I love them – they are my children, they've been
with me all their lives, they are my most important contribution to
the universe and they belong to me while at the same time being very
much their own independent beings. I love them because I want to,
because it gives me great pleasure and because they thrive with love
in their lives. And I am a mortal and flawed human. Do I have
expectations of my kids? Yes. Do I sometimes make my kids feel
guilty? Yes. But do I love them simply because they're pretty
awesome people that I know and I'm thrilled they're in my life?
Absolutely!
Is it possible that God feels that way
about me, but more and better because He's God?
That might open up a whole lot of
freedom and possibility in my life.
And so we know and rely
on the love God has for us.
God is love.
Whoever lives in love
lives in God and God in them.
This is how love is
made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of
judgement:
In this world we are
like Jesus.
There is no fear in
love.
But perfect love drives
out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is
not made perfect in love.
We love because he
first loved us.
1 John 4:16 - 19
